@NefuDaBoss

Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20

Me: What

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@ClaytonSykes

Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?

@protolalia

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

@Cheeseboy22

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

@mostlysharks

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

@Mr_Kapowski

Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake

@Rebecca8672

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

@Home_Halfway

Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m

@hell_homer

words are just a big scam. they all just mean other words. so you keep on using even more and more words. that’s how they get you.

@sara_ashlynn

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.