Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?
Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20
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“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
There are 5 things I really hate:
2) People who can’t spell.
4) Whyte people
Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m
words are just a big scam. they all just mean other words. so you keep on using even more and more words. that’s how they get you.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.