So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
when you don’t want to be too vague
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.