Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
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So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?