Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Ok, but like, how married are you?