The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese