Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.

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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.


Gf: am I pretty or ugly?

Bf: you’re both hun 🙂

Gf: what do you mean both?

Bf: you’re pretty ugly.


there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them


I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.


Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?


In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.


People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin


A good rule of thumb is that if you see a headline saying something “breaks the laws of physics” the headline is wrong