Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.

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All the world does is try to tear us apart.

-me to my bed every morning


Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.


I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter


If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.


The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.


*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today


[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on


Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)


Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests