All the world does is try to tear us apart.
-me to my bed every morning
Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.
(For Judy in Accounting)
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests