@just1fool

Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.

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@wickedsuga

All the world does is try to tear us apart.

-me to my bed every morning

@Shade510

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

@sageboggs

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

@Kica333

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

@TwinSurvivalist

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

@Jn1fer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

@Shenaniglenns

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

@UncleDuke1969

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

@SarcasticAlly12

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests