@LuvPug

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

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@robknepper

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

@AshToTheFuture

Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.

@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

@KentWGraham

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

@joeyellis

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

@IamJackBoot

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”

@Social_Mime

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.