Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

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If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.


I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in


Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.


Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.


wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote


God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.


Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?


nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl