Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.