@tigersgoroooar

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

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@eliserose5

If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.

@debon7

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

@kylekinane

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

@Wtftab

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@LameAsChris

nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl