Boss: Can I have a word?
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
me: what’s your favorite farm animal?
owen wilson: cow
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Someone waited thief whole life to write that headline.