Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
You Might Also Like
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
.. do you even science?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.