Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour


If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.


I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start


No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.


I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.


Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk


“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.