Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring