Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
*3.5 thank you very much.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy