OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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-Describe yourself to me in one word.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Robin: I refuse to be your side chick
R: *hiding overnight bag*
oh, I’ll just go and get the bat-mobile ready then
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Me: Is it open casket?
Friend: It’s a wedding!
Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.