@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

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@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

@bush_piglet

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

@KissabiX

Robin: I refuse to be your side chick

Batman: …sidekick

R: *hiding overnight bag*
oh, I’ll just go and get the bat-mobile ready then

@markedly

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

@longwall26

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

@tsm560

Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that

@Teretha111

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

@stockejock

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.