Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant