Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.