[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My Tinder Bio: If my cats hate you, we won’t be dating.
*secretly knows my cats hate everyone*
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.