everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Today’s Times
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
This headline is a thing of beauty