@Skoogeth

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

You Might Also Like

@iMonkGreen

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

@Mormonger

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

@MissColdHeart9

My Tinder Bio: If my cats hate you, we won’t be dating.

*secretly knows my cats hate everyone*

@sixfootcandy

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

@envydatropic

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

@radscientist_

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

@Sassafrantz

Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.