Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it