@ScorpionDong

Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman’s other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin

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@xLiserx

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

@roxiqt

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

@jonnysun

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

@TheHyyyype

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

@SergioValenCo

Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.

@dumbbeezie

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

@internetmo

No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch

@ElleOhHell

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion