The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
You Might Also Like
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.