*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
How dramatic are you?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!