Saved a man from a speeding car
Man: Can’t trust anyone
Man: Us old ones got to stick together
Pushed him in front of the next car
Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.
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M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!
Put on my glasses….
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!