Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
You Might Also Like
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me trying to walk in a dream
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?