Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.