@80sjams

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

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@isabelzawtun

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

@AddledPixie

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

@tristitia975

Twitter poets be like “I erupted from a shopping bag bemused to be the Skittles in your sacred pocket”

And somehow the rest of us just pretend this is okay.

@PrestoVision

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

@KalvinMacleod

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

@mela_shea

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

@Swishergirl24

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

@rad_milk

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn