Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Twitter poets be like “I erupted from a shopping bag bemused to be the Skittles in your sacred pocket”
And somehow the rest of us just pretend this is okay.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: Can I pet your dog?
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
S: maybe you should get your own
S: we have to go
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.