Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

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Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT


I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.


Twitter poets be like “I erupted from a shopping bag bemused to be the Skittles in your sacred pocket”

And somehow the rest of us just pretend this is okay.


her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance


Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine


[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.


My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.


Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.


GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn