Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
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Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.