Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?