@sirivan

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

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@drinksmcgee

If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

@SCbchbum

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

@DanMentos

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

@peachesanscream

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

@thatUPSdude

Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”

@WheelTod

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

@AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

@Darlainky

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.