Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner