Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
You Might Also Like
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.