*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
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PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
How about daylight saves us for once
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”