Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti