[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
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It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
stop saying “newspaper editors are only interested in content that causes a lot of uproar” when we all know that newspaper editors are only interested in pictures of spiderman
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?
Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant
B: what drugs are you on?
Me: good ones
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Me: *floors it*