Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or