Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My teenage children choosing violence
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?