Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.