@Dawn_M_

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

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@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@JohnLyonTweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

@littlekitnerboy

If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.

@EmFarl

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

@shutupmikeginn

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

@ThRealBallsDeep

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@pilau

me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired