Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

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[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?


I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.


If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.


Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses


The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.


I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.


Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.


The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.


me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired