@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

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@wendchymes

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

@sadmemes

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

@IrishVin

Me: Can I buy that chandelier?

Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?

Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.

@Integrity_Guy

Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.

@MarieLoerzel

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

@TheSharona06

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

@CAshmanActor

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

@gylertagan

[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!