@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

@doktorj

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

@bea_ker

Teachers love saying ‘If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a rapper’. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.

@KandyKoehn

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

@Playing_Dad

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

@pleatedjeans

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

@Cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

@KaptainKoRnie

Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.

Ok, just me?

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?

ME: hey!! You’re not blind!!