Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.


’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.


Me: Can I buy that chandelier?

Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?

Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.


Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.


Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.


I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.


Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.


[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?


[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!