Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
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Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography