@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

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@RealChrisCal

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

@LoveNLunchmeat

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

@OrdinaryAlso

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

@xiaraaaaa_

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².

@TheHatdog

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

@i_zzzzzz

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

@NoogsCorner

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*