@QwertyJones3
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
@bonehugsnirony
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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@QwertyJones3
@ThatThunderMan
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
@damakattack
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
@stephenjmolloy
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
@Shade510
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
@marknorm
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
@copymama
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.