@bonehugsnirony

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

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@QwertyJones3

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

@ThatThunderMan

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@stephenjmolloy

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

@copymama

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.