everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
R.I.P.
my mind
You just read my mind
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.