You Might Also Like
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Pot warmers of the day.