@HyenaEars

Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.

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@WilliamAder

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

@AnnietheNanny1

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

@iamspacegirl

you *opening your front door to leave for work in the morning*

me *clinging to the screen door like a tree frog*:
I can’t help but notice that you didn’t you like my selfie last night

@Chicken_Hawk38

All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@wolfpupy

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

@calamitydaisy

If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?