Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
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Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
you *opening your front door to leave for work in the morning*
me *clinging to the screen door like a tree frog*:
I can’t help but notice that you didn’t you like my selfie last night
All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I too would have left if my house had no roof
If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?