@HyenaEars

Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.

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@thepunningman

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

@MarcusCVance

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@andreeahluscu

Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.

@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.

@skittle624

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

@juneohara65

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

@Darlainky

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.