Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.

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CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight


What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”


As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.


Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.


Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.


I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.


“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color


[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*


7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.