@HyenaEars: Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
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@david8hughes: [drops son off for 1st day at daycare] "Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock." "Not a chance. He's your problem now."
@BrainFumbles: They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder.
@junejuly12: Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth* Him: how was your day, babe?