@PantsDonkey

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

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@TheAlexNevil

Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I’d always pick you. How ’bout you?

Dog: No question–I’d save me too.

@Dirty_Naomi

Hubs: There’s nothing on TV *winks*
Me: Remember last time?

*both look at 2yo*

Hubs: There’s over 900 channels, we’ll find something

@InternetHippo

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

@hellominamoo

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

@DanMentos

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

@Sarcasticsapien

Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.

@Vodkantots

What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”

@tacos_y_cerveza

CW: Can I ask you something?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.
CW: But you don’t drink coffee.
Me: *smiles and continues to work

@MoneypennyNaked

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.