Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.