Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

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Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I’d always pick you. How ’bout you?

Dog: No question–I’d save me too.


Hubs: There’s nothing on TV *winks*
Me: Remember last time?

*both look at 2yo*

Hubs: There’s over 900 channels, we’ll find something


Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls


I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song


confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?


Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.


What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”


CW: Can I ask you something?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.
CW: But you don’t drink coffee.
Me: *smiles and continues to work


*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.