Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Passwords are more important than ever.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.