@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

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@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

@Tayallderdice

U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months

@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

@Shen_the_Bird

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

@Marlebean

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

@mrtruthandsoul

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

@McKnightyBoo

My 17yo pretends he doesn’t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry

Congrats, you’re finally a man

@TheToddWilliams

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

@Prof_Hinkley

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

@MomOnFire

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.