i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.
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U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My 17yo pretends he doesn’t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry
Congrats, you’re finally a man
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.