Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
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wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
One venti cheeseburger please.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.