Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
The worst thing about living in a haunted house is knowing damn well there was still some gin left before I blacked out and then waking up to see the ghosts finished all my gin.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
*Calls timeout during street fight to tie shoelaces*
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
Who called the cops
“What color was it?” – Guy that stole your lighter.