@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

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@WilliamRodgers

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

@TweetsByTheTony

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

@AmberDonn

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@blaudiablogan

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

@feverboner

The worst thing about living in a haunted house is knowing damn well there was still some gin left before I blacked out and then waking up to see the ghosts finished all my gin.

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

@EricaLynnz

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

@_NinJar

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*