@WeissBrandon

Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.

You Might Also Like

@TaleSagaLore

Coolest jobs:
1)Beer maker
2)Secretary of War
3)Ninja
4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers

@fro_vo

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

@AaronLinguini

*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: OUCH
Me: yeah…
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?

@rickolantern

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

@est1975blog

I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it

@spies_please

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

@titanmoon10

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

@JB4Realz

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

@ScottLinnen

Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.

@mallelis

we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.