2)Secretary of War
4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers
Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.
we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.