cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”