Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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Spell check is for lasers.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Happy Star Wars day!
happy mother’s day❤️
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
That’s easy for you to say
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.