Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

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Me: Talk dirty to me

Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early

M: God yes

H: I won’t set an alarm

M: Don’t stop!


Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.


I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”


My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.


When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.


I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.


Mmmh, the wetness…don’t stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers…I love the way you rub my head.

–me, getting a shampoo at the salon


Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.


why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt


ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself


Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.