Me: Talk dirty to me
Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early
M: God yes
H: I won’t set an alarm
M: Don’t stop!
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
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Brain: Don’t do it.
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-
“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Mmmh, the wetness…don’t stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers…I love the way you rub my head.
–me, getting a shampoo at the salon
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five
ME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.