Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
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Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
This is enough internet for the day.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Well, that should do it
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date: