If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
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Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I have so many questions.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line