Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

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On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.


[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.


I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.


Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes


If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex


*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm