Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess


I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.


My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.


Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.


Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen


[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.


Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.


*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*

And just like that, laundry is done.


[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other]

Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments?

5: You want me to sleep on the couch?


[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling