Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
i’m sure it’s fine
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.