@slackmistress

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

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@Mom_Overboard

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

@kelly_eberle

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

@1800Randy

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

@TheTweetOfGod

Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.

@perlhack

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

@amishschool

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

@perfect_messs

*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*

And just like that, laundry is done.

@XplodingUnicorn

[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other]

Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments?

5: You want me to sleep on the couch?

@FredTaming

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling