@slackmistress

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”NurseMurderer”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3044853347/69f7663f88d6947ff943382bbdf849b0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350420592463319042″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”30″;s:5:”tweet”;s:22:”You can’t rush stupid.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@ShesARealGenius

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@AbbyHasIssues

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

@ArfMeasures

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

@SaraThomas84

If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex

@envydatropic

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm