“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
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her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well