Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Yup.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.