everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee