If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
congratulations to them
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Not all heroes wear capes.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!