Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*