Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.