@Super_Cynthia

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

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@AdderallMomma

I’ve been contemplating legally changing my name to ‘An End’, so that all good things must come to me.

@IceHuck

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

@LizHackett

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

@Proxic0n

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

@RJCity1

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

@filth_waste

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

@Fab_Mommy_

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

@ceejoyner

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

@iwearaonesie

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!