I’ve been contemplating legally changing my name to ‘An End’, so that all good things must come to me.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
But, not in public.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!