EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
You Might Also Like
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Thursday Thought.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]