*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
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*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: